Food and I – part 2
 
 
Yes, those words. They all have been said to me at one point or another in my life, some by my own parents, some by myself. Eating disorders are not about being thin. They are about control. About trying to have some form of control when you feel that you have none. It is easier to control your food intake than to get to the root of that performance anxiety. It’s easier to throw up those feelings of insecurity than to address the situation that makes you feel this way. It’s easier to feel those physical pangs than to admit you are not perfect.
 
Just like I feel that I am a smoker who doesn’t smoke, I live with these misperceptions of my own body. I always say that I am a pendulum, swinging between feeling good about how I look to utter discouragement and devastation. There is no middle ground. I am wiser now and I understand my triggers, the people who sabotage me and, most of the time, I am able to talk down that inner voice. But those words, the feelings they stir, those stay with me always.
 
 
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If you are interested, these art journals address this issue :