I’ve been working on this little book for over a month now. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen snippets of it from time to time. I made it for the Tell a Story class over at Classes Kara Made.

This story is a hard one to tell for me for many reasons. It’s the story of my struggle with what I first defined as body image issues but now understand as control issues. Hence the title. I’ve always had problems accepting how my body looks. It used to be a lot worse and I’m not proud of it. I’ve always felt that I was 10 pounds away from happiness.

 

I am never content with my looks. I am always oscillating between periods of taking care of what I eat and working out and complete absence of both of these elements. I’m in one of those bad periods right now. The death of my father, the subsequent trip to South Africa and all the rest has completely sapped my will to even think about my weight/health for even a second. At the same time, eating is an excuse not to deal with what I’m feeling. Or to self sabotage. Or both.

Thing is, I have evolved a lot in this, even though I am embarrassed that at almost 40 and with a young daughter, issues of eating disorders, low self-esteem and body hate can still be in my everyday life. It feels like such a first-world problem. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

 

I used to think it was only about how I looked and that the key was controlling what I eat. But I now understand that it is about needing control in moments where I have none. Now I try to put things in perspective, work out and eat healthy because this is intrinsically good for me, for my body but also for my mind.

 

As I’ve said, right now, I am not in a good place physically. I hope to get back on track after our Easter vacation. In the mean time, I am learning a lot from telling this story and putting in on paper.

Art heals, it’s true.

 

Many of the images in this journal come from exhibits I’ve visited in Hong Kong, photos I have taken and also from Tumblr. The artists are Simon Birch, Alessandra Maria, Ray Caesar, Yelena Bryksenkova, Life Love Paper, Catherine Campbell, Silvia Ji, Mark Demsteader and James Gordon.

If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask!

Thank you for looking.